“I think it ought not to be set down as certain that a man must be acceptable to every woman he may happen to like himself.” Mansfield Park, Jane Austen

As usual this morning, I took a few moments to check my Facebook feed while getting ready for the day.  One particular post by my nineteen year old cousin caught my eye.  She is a student at ORU with a passion for theatre, particularly theatre make up.  This particular post was expressing her frustration in older men complimenting her and giving her their number, all completely unsolicited, at various places around town.  In an effort to lighten the post, she made a sly remark that it seemed to happen at places that start with “W,” namely Wal-Mart and Walgreens.
 

I was frustrated on her behalf.  Irritated because I have been there.  Annoyed that this happened to her because unsolicited compliments sometimes happened (and still happen) to me.  And I think, in a way, I felt indignation that this continues to happen to women.

 

My initial reaction was to start typing a comment replying to my cousin with any number of coping mechanisms.  The reply I was forming started to read something like this… “Learn a more obscure foreign language and pretend you don’t understand them.  Or turn to any other older woman nearby and pass the number to them.  Or tell them that you dad screens all your calls.”  And then a voice rose up in me that said NO.

No to coping.  No to feeding into the flawed system that perpetuates all of this.  Because in brushing it off, in coping, in using any of the above techniques it is doing the one thing that seems to happen all too often.  The thing I did too many times.  SILENCE.  It silences her voice, and it takes away her agency.

 

So I deleted everything and posted this instead… Call them out on it. You have a voice. A strong voice. Use it.

Off and on this year I have been drawn to 1 Samuel 25 and the story of Abigail.  The Bible tells us that she was an intelligent and beautiful woman.  And when her foolish husband got angry and hot headed and brought trouble to their home and their people, she stood up, she took action, and she stepped forward and SPOKE.  She spoke to David. And she spoke to her husband.

 

I feel like too often as women, in and out of the church, we have been silent.  And there is still a place for politeness.  Abigail chose to respond with respect and kindness.  I’m not saying that my cousin should be rude.  Or that any other woman should be unkind. 

BUT… we need to use our voice.  It’s just as wrong to respond rudely to unsolicited and inappropriate comments as it is to not respond at all.  So to my cousin, I say literally use the words “That was inappropriate.” And when a man replies that he was only trying to compliment you, respond with something like this, “You are looking at what I am without trying to know who I am.  It’s in appropriate because I haven’t expressed interest in you.  It’s in appropriate because you are presuming my interest.”

 

So what do you do when he asks your name or your number? First of all, he shouldn’t be asking for a number without your name. Again, because he’s not expressing interest in who you really are.  And as for giving either of those out, don’t accept the premise of the question.  What does that mean?  That means, don’t accept the implication that you owe him your name or number or your time.  You can say, “I’m not comfortable sharing that information.” And when he accuses you of being rude, remind him that you came to the store for supplies, not for unwanted attention.  And walk away.  Ask a store employee (preferably male, although you might be surprise how many females would stand and walk with you) to escort you to your car if you feel even the smallest bit uncomfortable.

It isn’t that you are someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s niece or cousin.  It’s inappropriate because you are.  Because you are a person.  Because you have agency.  But you have a voice.  And when you speak up for yourself, you speak up for all girls and for all women.